Caregiver Chronicles: My Journey

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Tag: relationship challenge

  • Despite being rejected, not feeling it

    It was very difficult to not feel hurt and rejected when Mom told me Thursday night that I was no longer welcome to Dad’s 75th birthday “dupper.” She told me she didn’t know why, but that he changed his mind and wanted the meal out to be just the 2 of them.

    He had planned to go out to Harrison Park Restaurant with Mom and her friend Jill from Orangeville. Jill, Barry, Marissa, Brett and Chandra were a family of family friends. Wednesday he decided that he no longer wanted to go out with Jill and Mom. Thursday he told Mom I was not invited, he wanted it just the 2 of them.

    But, as luck may have it, a friend texted me asking if I was available to go see the Mill Dam at noon on Friday. We had a beautiful fall day to watch for salmon to climb the ladders to their spawning beds. There were a couple dozen fish, but none decided to climb when we were there.

    We went to Harrison Park for lunch and my friend had pastrami on rye. Ironically, not only did we end up at the same restaurant as Dad’s dupper, but my Mom also ordered pastrami on rye. After lunch we walked on part of the trails. A fantastic fall day with a good friend. A really nice day. Thanks RR. (Mom needed to lay down after just the 2 of them ate at a restaurant)

  • Another one bites the dust

    So sad to say yet another relationship is over, courtesy of my living situation. Another one bites the dust. I thought I had found someone who could look past my shitty environment and just see me. I thought that after all my honesty and transparency that it was OK to allow someone to see my reality.

    I believe that our souls are here to learn. That every relationship, hardship, and problem we encounter during our stay here on this planet is to teach our soul what it needs to learn before moving on. I am having a difficult time finding the lesson in this recent devastating event.

    I invited RR for a tour of the property the other day, I had no intention of inviting him inside, but the weather was calling for rain and thunderstorms. So, morning of I bust my ass cleaning up as much as I could before RR arrived at noon. I figured it would be a shock to see my living situation, but I never expected another break-up by text.

    Being a caregiver for my parents is preventing me from having a normal relationship. I have given everything I have to my parents, even my sanity, apparently. My brother is living his life with no attempt to help out. I can’t even take a holiday because there is too much around here I do that my parents can’t. I turn 50 in a couple months and I have nothing to show for it.

    I had high hopes for developing a relationship with RR, but another one bites the dust. And I am devastated.

  • Being a caregiver of a patient with dementia makes relationships difficult

    I have written on the topic of dating before. How being a caregiver of a patient with dementia makes relationships difficult. Yesterday I had a “coffee and walk along the harbor” date with a different gentleman from eharmony.

    It went so well. I am so fortunate to have found someone who respects what I’m doing for my parents. Instead of asking why I tolerate living here, he complimented me saying

    “You are a good daughter.”

    He is an amazing guy with so many similar hobbies. He loves cats and has 2 of his own. He has a goal of being a published author, as do I. He is an easy 25 minute drive away.

    The best was the lack of judgment I felt. I told him stories about my life, former and present, and he just listened. No recoiling in horror when I talk about dad using the litter box or being honest about the number of cats that are in this house.

    I feel very fortunate to have found someone that matches me so well and who sees value in my caregiver role. He is amazing and I have great hopes for this relationship.

    Being a caregiver to a patient with dementia makes relationships difficult, but I think I have lucked out. Thanks RR for being you.

    Until next time, take good care.

  • Another Dementia Dilemma – Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

    Another dementia dilemma is that many dementia patients have different “personalities”. In some cases the dementia patient forgets people and past events.

    In my case there are two main personalities, and I never know who I will encounter when I wake up in the morning. The Dr. Jekyll personality is a mildly grumpy, dad-joke telling senior that is essentially harmless to those around him.

    Mr. Hyde, on the other hand, is cruel and vindictive and his purpose seems to be hurt everyone around him. He is crude, loud, vulgar and he loves to “hit below the belt.” My mother and I warn each other if Mr. Hyde is paying us a visit.

    I had an encounter with a different personality the other morning. Let’s call him Mr. Inappropriate. Mr. Inappropriate, as the name suggests, acts inappropriately. Making jokes that are sexual in nature, grabby hands and sexual comments in general. Not appropriate things for a father to say to a daughter, even an adult daughter.

    Because if I voice my feelings of discomfort regarding a joke or comment, I am being a prude. And there is a good chance if I appear to be opposed to something he is saying or doing that Mr. Hyde may pay us a visit. And no one in the house wants that.

  • Communication Challenges for Caregivers

    There are a variety of communication challenges for caregivers of patients with serious cognitive decline. In my situation my father lies to my mom and I, his doctors and other health care providers, and the family members he still talks to. If I challenge a lie he might become upset and fly off the handle, or he may react by ignoring. He has always had self-proclaimed “selective listening” and he has mastered the skill.

    Another communication challenge for caregivers is if the patient is always changing their mind, but denies that it was ever different. An example from my life (this morning): When I woke up there was no one else awake. As I brewed a cup of coffee I went outside to check the weather and dump coffee grounds.

    When I opened the door an outdoor cat named T.T. tried to waltz right past into the house. T.T. is a nursing mother of 4 approximately 10 day old kittens. She was obviously looking for food. Dad had told me earlier this week that if I were ever to see T.T. I was to give her food. So, I gave T.T. one of the kibble dishes from the house. I then opened a new kibble bag to top up the outdoor dish.

    As I was doing this dad woke up and came downstairs. I told him what I had done and instead of appreciation, he barks “Well, the assholes will get it. Unless you sit out with it.” It was so difficult to just grab my coffee and not engage. He can get belligerent and downright cruel when he is in this mood. So there is no point in trying to discuss the situation.

    I am fortunate that these are my main roadblocks to communication. Other caregivers may deal with other challenges including:

    • Repetition – of questions, telling the same story with very short interval before telling again
    • Physical aggression – hitting, pushing, punching
    • Verbal aggression – shouting, swearing, belittling
    • Lack of Recognition – of caregiver, of other family and friends
    • Self harm

  • Caregiving and Relationships

    As caregivers we tend to put the needs of our patient above our own. This shows up often as not taking the time to do things for ourselves. Like skipping yoga or the gym to tend to pick up medications and other errands related to your charge.

    Now add to this dynamic a romantic partner. How does it work?

    Well, for me, I initially was in a relationship with someone who was also in caregiver role. Each of us was somewhat “stuck” where our parents reside, on opposite sides of the US/Canada border. The challenges of caregiving ultimately broke that relationship up, amicably. In particular, S not being able to come to Canada, and me not being able to travel often.

    But now I am embarking on a new journey with a gentleman I met on eharmony. He has a normal life, with normal hours. I, on the other hand may be woken up in the middle of the night (if I even have been to sleep yet) to deal with the needs of my father. He spends more time awake between midnight and 6am than the rest of the day. I believe this is because his eyes are very light-sensitive.

    My new beau, R, lives in a suburb of Toronto, 2.5-3 hours away. He goes to work at a set time, goes to the gym after work, getting home around 8pm. On Tuesday morning around 3am I was awoken by my father’s raised voice. Of course, when I got up to see what was wrong, it was just dad yelling at one of the cats. I lay back down and try to sleep, but to no avail.

    So, when R gets home, I am barely keeping my eyes open despite having a short nap. I’m sure that we will figure it out.

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