Caregiver Chronicles: My Journey

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  • Despite being rejected, not feeling it

    It was very difficult to not feel hurt and rejected when Mom told me Thursday night that I was no longer welcome to Dad’s 75th birthday “dupper.” She told me she didn’t know why, but that he changed his mind and wanted the meal out to be just the 2 of them.

    He had planned to go out to Harrison Park Restaurant with Mom and her friend Jill from Orangeville. Jill, Barry, Marissa, Brett and Chandra were a family of family friends. Wednesday he decided that he no longer wanted to go out with Jill and Mom. Thursday he told Mom I was not invited, he wanted it just the 2 of them.

    But, as luck may have it, a friend texted me asking if I was available to go see the Mill Dam at noon on Friday. We had a beautiful fall day to watch for salmon to climb the ladders to their spawning beds. There were a couple dozen fish, but none decided to climb when we were there.

    We went to Harrison Park for lunch and my friend had pastrami on rye. Ironically, not only did we end up at the same restaurant as Dad’s dupper, but my Mom also ordered pastrami on rye. After lunch we walked on part of the trails. A fantastic fall day with a good friend. A really nice day. Thanks RR. (Mom needed to lay down after just the 2 of them ate at a restaurant)

  • Communication Challenges for Caregivers

    There are a variety of communication challenges for caregivers of patients with serious cognitive decline. In my situation my father lies to my mom and I, his doctors and other health care providers, and the family members he still talks to. If I challenge a lie he might become upset and fly off the handle, or he may react by ignoring. He has always had self-proclaimed “selective listening” and he has mastered the skill.

    Another communication challenge for caregivers is if the patient is always changing their mind, but denies that it was ever different. An example from my life (this morning): When I woke up there was no one else awake. As I brewed a cup of coffee I went outside to check the weather and dump coffee grounds.

    When I opened the door an outdoor cat named T.T. tried to waltz right past into the house. T.T. is a nursing mother of 4 approximately 10 day old kittens. She was obviously looking for food. Dad had told me earlier this week that if I were ever to see T.T. I was to give her food. So, I gave T.T. one of the kibble dishes from the house. I then opened a new kibble bag to top up the outdoor dish.

    As I was doing this dad woke up and came downstairs. I told him what I had done and instead of appreciation, he barks “Well, the assholes will get it. Unless you sit out with it.” It was so difficult to just grab my coffee and not engage. He can get belligerent and downright cruel when he is in this mood. So there is no point in trying to discuss the situation.

    I am fortunate that these are my main roadblocks to communication. Other caregivers may deal with other challenges including:

    • Repetition – of questions, telling the same story with very short interval before telling again
    • Physical aggression – hitting, pushing, punching
    • Verbal aggression – shouting, swearing, belittling
    • Lack of Recognition – of caregiver, of other family and friends
    • Self harm

  • Caregiving and Relationships

    As caregivers we tend to put the needs of our patient above our own. This shows up often as not taking the time to do things for ourselves. Like skipping yoga or the gym to tend to pick up medications and other errands related to your charge.

    Now add to this dynamic a romantic partner. How does it work?

    Well, for me, I initially was in a relationship with someone who was also in caregiver role. Each of us was somewhat “stuck” where our parents reside, on opposite sides of the US/Canada border. The challenges of caregiving ultimately broke that relationship up, amicably. In particular, S not being able to come to Canada, and me not being able to travel often.

    But now I am embarking on a new journey with a gentleman I met on eharmony. He has a normal life, with normal hours. I, on the other hand may be woken up in the middle of the night (if I even have been to sleep yet) to deal with the needs of my father. He spends more time awake between midnight and 6am than the rest of the day. I believe this is because his eyes are very light-sensitive.

    My new beau, R, lives in a suburb of Toronto, 2.5-3 hours away. He goes to work at a set time, goes to the gym after work, getting home around 8pm. On Tuesday morning around 3am I was awoken by my father’s raised voice. Of course, when I got up to see what was wrong, it was just dad yelling at one of the cats. I lay back down and try to sleep, but to no avail.

    So, when R gets home, I am barely keeping my eyes open despite having a short nap. I’m sure that we will figure it out.

  • B.B., my “Little man”

    In the first week of May this year we found a tiny starving kitten locked in with the intact males in the house. We were not even aware he existed prior to dad hearing his cries. He must have been born when the door was still open to that room. And either of the lactating mothers must have been feeding them unbeknownst to us. Then once PeeWee was locked in that room to prevent more pregnancies, there was no way for the kitten to be fed. He was born in late March and as such his eyes and ears were open, but he still needed a momma to nurse from.

    I had a queen with one surviving kitten “Duckie” in my room. We gave the kitten to the queen, Paisley, in hopes she would accept and take care of him. Paisley was amazing and started to look after B.B. right away. I fell in love with this sweet, beautiful kitten. And I believe he loved me too, his secondary Momma.

    Everything was going fine until Paisley’s milk dried up. Duckie was 10 days to 2 weeks older than B.B., and he had started eating cat food before we had been able to entice B.B. to. B.B. would not co-operate and eat cat food, just tried to nurse. This, ultimately, would be his demise.

    The only thing he would eat was cream (from a cow). Coffee cream in a small glass dish he would lap out of. And for a time this was enough. But, he got a cold and would not eat much. We tried syringing the cream into his mouth, but he was too stubborn. He lost a lot of ground not eating much.

    This is B.B. (right) with his 2-3 month younger sibling Bennie (left)

    Above is a photo of B.B. and Bennie, both born off the queen, Bernie. Bernie went into heat very soon after birthing B.B. and got pregnant again immediately. Before we were able to trap PeeWee (completely feral cat that was let in by my cat hoarding father while I was away visiting my fiance in November of 2023) into the “den.”

    B.B. sitting on my wallet in June before he got sick.

    Rest in peace my special guy. I love you and treasure our time together.

  • Navigating the choppy waters

    I post this hoping that my story as caregiver of my senior parents ongoing since 2020 will give hope to those caregivers out there struggling day after day, and a laugh to anyone needing one.

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