Caregiver Chronicles: My Journey

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Author: Jennifer

  • Despite being rejected, not feeling it

    It was very difficult to not feel hurt and rejected when Mom told me Thursday night that I was no longer welcome to Dad’s 75th birthday “dupper.” She told me she didn’t know why, but that he changed his mind and wanted the meal out to be just the 2 of them.

    He had planned to go out to Harrison Park Restaurant with Mom and her friend Jill from Orangeville. Jill, Barry, Marissa, Brett and Chandra were a family of family friends. Wednesday he decided that he no longer wanted to go out with Jill and Mom. Thursday he told Mom I was not invited, he wanted it just the 2 of them.

    But, as luck may have it, a friend texted me asking if I was available to go see the Mill Dam at noon on Friday. We had a beautiful fall day to watch for salmon to climb the ladders to their spawning beds. There were a couple dozen fish, but none decided to climb when we were there.

    We went to Harrison Park for lunch and my friend had pastrami on rye. Ironically, not only did we end up at the same restaurant as Dad’s dupper, but my Mom also ordered pastrami on rye. After lunch we walked on part of the trails. A fantastic fall day with a good friend. A really nice day. Thanks RR. (Mom needed to lay down after just the 2 of them ate at a restaurant)

  • Another one bites the dust

    So sad to say yet another relationship is over, courtesy of my living situation. Another one bites the dust. I thought I had found someone who could look past my shitty environment and just see me. I thought that after all my honesty and transparency that it was OK to allow someone to see my reality.

    I believe that our souls are here to learn. That every relationship, hardship, and problem we encounter during our stay here on this planet is to teach our soul what it needs to learn before moving on. I am having a difficult time finding the lesson in this recent devastating event.

    I invited RR for a tour of the property the other day, I had no intention of inviting him inside, but the weather was calling for rain and thunderstorms. So, morning of I bust my ass cleaning up as much as I could before RR arrived at noon. I figured it would be a shock to see my living situation, but I never expected another break-up by text.

    Being a caregiver for my parents is preventing me from having a normal relationship. I have given everything I have to my parents, even my sanity, apparently. My brother is living his life with no attempt to help out. I can’t even take a holiday because there is too much around here I do that my parents can’t. I turn 50 in a couple months and I have nothing to show for it.

    I had high hopes for developing a relationship with RR, but another one bites the dust. And I am devastated.

  • Being a caregiver of a patient with dementia makes relationships difficult

    I have written on the topic of dating before. How being a caregiver of a patient with dementia makes relationships difficult. Yesterday I had a “coffee and walk along the harbor” date with a different gentleman from eharmony.

    It went so well. I am so fortunate to have found someone who respects what I’m doing for my parents. Instead of asking why I tolerate living here, he complimented me saying

    “You are a good daughter.”

    He is an amazing guy with so many similar hobbies. He loves cats and has 2 of his own. He has a goal of being a published author, as do I. He is an easy 25 minute drive away.

    The best was the lack of judgment I felt. I told him stories about my life, former and present, and he just listened. No recoiling in horror when I talk about dad using the litter box or being honest about the number of cats that are in this house.

    I feel very fortunate to have found someone that matches me so well and who sees value in my caregiver role. He is amazing and I have great hopes for this relationship.

    Being a caregiver to a patient with dementia makes relationships difficult, but I think I have lucked out. Thanks RR for being you.

    Until next time, take good care.

  • Another Dementia Dilemma – Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

    Another dementia dilemma is that many dementia patients have different “personalities”. In some cases the dementia patient forgets people and past events.

    In my case there are two main personalities, and I never know who I will encounter when I wake up in the morning. The Dr. Jekyll personality is a mildly grumpy, dad-joke telling senior that is essentially harmless to those around him.

    Mr. Hyde, on the other hand, is cruel and vindictive and his purpose seems to be hurt everyone around him. He is crude, loud, vulgar and he loves to “hit below the belt.” My mother and I warn each other if Mr. Hyde is paying us a visit.

    I had an encounter with a different personality the other morning. Let’s call him Mr. Inappropriate. Mr. Inappropriate, as the name suggests, acts inappropriately. Making jokes that are sexual in nature, grabby hands and sexual comments in general. Not appropriate things for a father to say to a daughter, even an adult daughter.

    Because if I voice my feelings of discomfort regarding a joke or comment, I am being a prude. And there is a good chance if I appear to be opposed to something he is saying or doing that Mr. Hyde may pay us a visit. And no one in the house wants that.

  • I am Powerful, I just need to Remember It

    I just finished listening to an other episode of my favorite podcaster’s show. Rob Dial reminds me “I am powerful, I just need to remember it.” As a caregiver it is easy for us to lose ourselves. To allow our limiting beliefs and negative thoughts shape who we are.

    I am constantly being treated like a wayward teenager in need of fixing by my father. Not the adult caregiver of him and my mother. It had really started to affect how I felt about myself. Through therapy (thanks AS), journaling, listening to positive media, and practicing mindfulness I have rediscovered my self confidence.

    I have affirmations that I recite to myself every morning. I am developing a positive, healthy relationship with a wonderful gentleman. I do yoga daily. I have healthy coping mechanisms to replace unhealthy ones. I try to focus on being present in the moment and challenging any negative thoughts that arise. Especially about myself. Because I am not a wayward teen, or a loser, or a freeloader or any of the things my father accuses me of being.

    I am powerful, I just need to remember it. Remind yourselves of your power, of your worth, your strength, your resilience.

    Until next time.

  • Communication Challenges for Caregivers

    There are a variety of communication challenges for caregivers of patients with serious cognitive decline. In my situation my father lies to my mom and I, his doctors and other health care providers, and the family members he still talks to. If I challenge a lie he might become upset and fly off the handle, or he may react by ignoring. He has always had self-proclaimed “selective listening” and he has mastered the skill.

    Another communication challenge for caregivers is if the patient is always changing their mind, but denies that it was ever different. An example from my life (this morning): When I woke up there was no one else awake. As I brewed a cup of coffee I went outside to check the weather and dump coffee grounds.

    When I opened the door an outdoor cat named T.T. tried to waltz right past into the house. T.T. is a nursing mother of 4 approximately 10 day old kittens. She was obviously looking for food. Dad had told me earlier this week that if I were ever to see T.T. I was to give her food. So, I gave T.T. one of the kibble dishes from the house. I then opened a new kibble bag to top up the outdoor dish.

    As I was doing this dad woke up and came downstairs. I told him what I had done and instead of appreciation, he barks “Well, the assholes will get it. Unless you sit out with it.” It was so difficult to just grab my coffee and not engage. He can get belligerent and downright cruel when he is in this mood. So there is no point in trying to discuss the situation.

    I am fortunate that these are my main roadblocks to communication. Other caregivers may deal with other challenges including:

    • Repetition – of questions, telling the same story with very short interval before telling again
    • Physical aggression – hitting, pushing, punching
    • Verbal aggression – shouting, swearing, belittling
    • Lack of Recognition – of caregiver, of other family and friends
    • Self harm

  • Truth and Lies in Dementia Patients (this caregiver’s experience)

    If you’ve been following along you will know about my newest obstacle being a caregiver of a dementia patient. Well, my father has finally decided on an acceptable alternative to using the kitty litter. A small pail…which he keeps on the kitchen counter. Ick. I have learned that you really need to choose your battles (for me, boundaries) when dealing with a dementia patient.

    As there is always a chance that when confronting my father with a truth he does not agree with, or anything contradictory to his desires he will blow up. Fortunately dad has never been violent with my mom or I, he is more of an emotional terrorist. He is cruel and relentless.

    The reason your parents are so good at pushing your buttons is that they installed them in the first place.

    As of July 25th I do not remember for certain who to attribute the preceding quote to. I will update with a name if I can confirm.

    Every time my father tries to pick a fight and his words are so mean I feel them viscerally. Like a gut punch or a kick in the crotch. It is hard to not contradict or correct him. Truth and lies in a dementia patient is a difficult issue to tackle. Often they fully believe their memory or version of events is fact, not relative.

    What does this have to do with the price of tea in China? Well, the pail on the counter which dad swears he uses is always dry. He lies and I think he is proud he is “fooling” mom and I. He even makes lame jokes if something is spilled on the counter and any reference to it is made he shouts:

    It wasn’t me. I take the pail down (off the counter) before I pee in it. I’m a good boy.

    Until I visit our mutual family doctor next week I will not challenge the lie. But I need to enforce that boundary if I can.

    Until next time remember to take care of yourselves.

  • Caregiving and Relationships

    As caregivers we tend to put the needs of our patient above our own. This shows up often as not taking the time to do things for ourselves. Like skipping yoga or the gym to tend to pick up medications and other errands related to your charge.

    Now add to this dynamic a romantic partner. How does it work?

    Well, for me, I initially was in a relationship with someone who was also in caregiver role. Each of us was somewhat “stuck” where our parents reside, on opposite sides of the US/Canada border. The challenges of caregiving ultimately broke that relationship up, amicably. In particular, S not being able to come to Canada, and me not being able to travel often.

    But now I am embarking on a new journey with a gentleman I met on eharmony. He has a normal life, with normal hours. I, on the other hand may be woken up in the middle of the night (if I even have been to sleep yet) to deal with the needs of my father. He spends more time awake between midnight and 6am than the rest of the day. I believe this is because his eyes are very light-sensitive.

    My new beau, R, lives in a suburb of Toronto, 2.5-3 hours away. He goes to work at a set time, goes to the gym after work, getting home around 8pm. On Tuesday morning around 3am I was awoken by my father’s raised voice. Of course, when I got up to see what was wrong, it was just dad yelling at one of the cats. I lay back down and try to sleep, but to no avail.

    So, when R gets home, I am barely keeping my eyes open despite having a short nap. I’m sure that we will figure it out.

  • July 6th

    Sunday morning

    Sunday morning and I find myself up before dawn. My little foster kitten is hungry. I get up despite wanting a few more zzzzs. The kitchen is empty and I am able to quickly start myself a coffee. Dad must be napping. There is evidence of him having been awake already:

    • fresh canned food for the cats
    • light is left on under cupboards
    • Radio is blasting Zoomer Radio
    • the counters have sugar, coffee and juice spilled on them (not cleaned up)
    • there are a variety of recyclables left on the stove top, namely Pepsi cans and a plastic clamshell that once had powdered doughnuts in it
    • His dirty ashtray is beside the recyclables

    I wipe down the counters, put the recycling in the bin, fill water bottles and reservoirs with filtered water. With my coffee ready, off to plan my day:

    • Pick up Walmart order I placed Saturday, unload and organize things. The small tuna sized cans of cat food need to be organized just so in a handled cardboard box. The large soup sized cans need to be organized just so, sandwiched between two 12 can flats and then put down in a particular spot. Ditto cat treats and all of dad’s supplies. He gets quite cranky if things aren’t exactly the way he likes.
    • Mom gets up partway through the grocery unload and sort. We open the packages of chicken breasts, wrap each one in plastic wrap, then into a ziploc for freezing.
    • Refresh litter boxes – we ran out of litter last week, so the depth of litter is less than an inch. (Which, FYI. most cats hate…I have been getting the evil eye from some of the cats because of it.
    • 40 minute yoga with Adrienne Detox and Reset https://youtu.be/vbgxIwQoyN4?si=0BwytUdiofWspF1j Her videos are terrific for me and I love Benji
    • Watch a video by Mel Robbins about making someone obsessed with you which was perfect for today as it turns out.

    Sunday afternoon

    Sunday afternoon and I find myself alone when I am supposed to be spending time with SB. He has been very incommunicative since Tuesday last week. He had briefly forewarned me that the family was having a reunion, and that he would not be available for chat for the week. I had not thought this would extend into our “date time.” Certainly he would have been clear about this after the email I sent and talk we had about respect.

  • July 9th: My final therapy session

    I had my final therapy session with AS today. He has helped me a lot and I will definitely miss his “outside looking in” unbiased thoughts on my issues. He helped me re-realize my self-worth and confidence that I had lost since I was a successful, married, home owning woman. I had a “normal” life. I realized that I tied a lot of my self-worth to being a talented and gifted feline RVT.

    AS helped me set some boundaries (even when I didn’t realize it). For example, I set a time boundary with my fiance. He has issues saying no to people in his household. Our time is often sacrificed for him to do for others. I set a verbal boundary for Dad primarily. “I am not available to speak to you if you are being insulting, manipulative, or any gaslighting behavior.” And the physical boundary I set “I will not scoop any litter box that has been used by a human.”(see earlier post titled “Here’s me” where I discuss inappropriate human urination)

    Lastly, we discussed my fear of black trucks. I was struck as a pedestrian by a black truck in February of 2024. We discussed exposure therapy, the gradual exposure to something you are afraid of. AS suggested when I see a black pickup to talk to it, to touch it. Even hug it. To which I replied “Are you trying to get me arrested?”

    Picture me in some parking lot going to the black pickup trucks only, talking to them (psych ward), touching and hugging (jail). I’m sure that neither the owners of the vehicles, nor the police would appreciate that behavior.

    That sums up my final therapy session. For now anyways.

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